Looking Fear in the Face

I went out to lunch with my mom a few weeks ago.  As we sat at the table, I told her about a random thought that had been consuming me, “I feel like everyone I can possibly think of has gone through, is currently facing, or has always experienced a really big struggle in their life.”  Whether it be…

Marital issues and/or divorce, 
Finding out someone has cancer or a lifelong illness, 
Having a child with special needs, 
Losing a loved one, 
Experiencing job loss, 
Fertility issues, 
Financial distress….

There are people I know who are experiencing these.  I expressed that when I thought about my life up until this point, I didn’t feel as though I had faced any BIG type of struggle, but knew it would be looming in the near future.  I constantly thought, “When was my problem going to surface?!”

 I mean, everyone faces hardship, so it would only be a matter of time before mine came about.  When I talked about these so-called hardships, I meant going through something that requires a type of strength and resolve that you didn’t know you had. Something only God can help you get through. My mom calmly responded, “You can’t look at life like that, Mel.  When something happens, you will deal with it then.  The more you anticipate it’s arrival, the more you live your life in fear.”

And then…..my day came.  AND she was right.  You learn to deal with your struggle.

You face it and ask God for strength….because there are a lot of storms in

life that you won’t be able to weather on your own.

The day before Thanksgiving, I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.

This means I will be dependent on insulin for the rest of my life.  To some, this may not seem like a big deal.  But, this chronic (and crappy, I might add) disease runs in my family and has wreaked havoc on both my grandfather and dad’s health.  My children have a 1 in 50 chance of getting this autoimmune disease, too. Diabetes, if not managed well and kept within tight control, can greatly affect your kidneys, eyes, nerves, feet, teeth, and many other aspects of your body.  Over time, it takes its toll.  For a worrier like myself, a person who doesn’t deal with change all that well, this has been a hard one to grasp.  Even though I’ve always had a feeling that I would eventually develop this, the realization still stings.

Although challenges do strengthen people, they also make you feel weak, discouraged, and incapable. As we experience tough times, many emotions emerge.

It’s the change of lifestyle that you grieve.  
It’s the loss of control (or what you think you had of it). 
It’s the waiting or the inconvenient timing.
 It’s the feelings of uncertainty.  
It’s the constant “what ifs”.  
It’s the blame you put on yourself and the shame you take on. 
It’s wishing you could wake up and pretend it’s just a dream.
It’s the moments when you put on your happy face to those around you,

but in reality, you feel nothing close to happiness.  

Regardless of the battle a person faces, or for how long you have to endure it, there comes a time when you have to look fear in the face and not let it take hold of your life.

I’ll be quite honest, I find myself riding the pity train at times.  I hop on and ride for a bit and then hop back off.  It ebbs and flows.  Each day I go through ups and downs, sometimes feeling confident and ready to conquer this thing, and other times feeling completely overwhelmed and defeated.

The more I worry about the road that lies ahead and my future….the less I am able to live a healthy life and ENJOY the blessings I’ve been given. At my church this weekend, one of our pastors gave a

fantastic message on worrying and shared a pie graph similar to this:

Notice the blue.  Only 8% of our worries are legitimate. 92% is out of my control.  The more I try to control life’s outcomes, the less reliant I become on God.I try to remind myself of the lyrics in one of my favorite songs by Casting Crowns:And when you’re tired of fighting
chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held. 

My diagnosis initially made me feel like my life moving forward would always be stressful and hard to manage.  I needed to shift my focus and realize that this is a blessing in disguise.   As the lyrics state, my world is not falling apart, it is falling into place.  Because of this, I will lead a healthier lifestyle.  I will need to eat better, exercise consistently, and become more in tune with my overall health.  This will only help me in the future.  The things is….God meets us in the middle of the storms.  We have to be willing to relinquish our desire to control and let him lead the way.

Thankfully, I’ve had gestational diabetes with both of my pregnancies, which means I have a leg up on someone without any experience or knowledge of this disease.  Having grown up with a dad who has T1D, I’ve learned a lot already!At the end of each day, when I feel anxious about the difficult times I will face, I step back and remind myself that most of my struggles pale in comparison to THIS.

My journey is just beginning.  I’ve been blessed with a very supportive family who will undoubtedly help me navigate and see my way through this.  My husband helps me to keep things in perspective and encourages me to see the silver lining in all of this:

God uses our struggles so we can someday help others who are going through the same situation, to bring about more awareness , encourage others who are in our shoes, and connect with those we may never have had the chance to otherwise!